The end of an era

As of today, it’s official: my time in Seoul is coming to a close.  Today was the final day of my students’ speaking tests, and as of December 23^rd, I will no longer be teaching.  To further solidify the ending of this era, I booked my flight home as well. 

In some ways, I can’t complain.  I get so much vacation time it’s ridiculous.  My contract isn’t up until the last day of February, so I’m essentially getting 2 1/2 months paid to just be here.  I’m quite certain that I will never again have a job that pays me to just be a presence in a city, but I can’t help feeling desperately sad.  When I’m totally honest with myself, I won’t really miss teaching in and of itself.  I’ve loved getting to know my kids, but actually being responsible for teaching and lesson and curriculum planning is not something I will miss.  What I will miss, as I’ve stated numerous times before, is the complete absence of stress from my life.  Already, however, I can feel the dark shadow of panic creeping in the corners of my brain. It’s a feeling that is all too familiar and one that I certainly haven’t missed.  As much as I know what I want my life to be like when I return, actually putting that plan into action is going to be difficult to say the least as I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I’m re-entering the black hole of recession that is America without a job.  Panic indeed…

How did this happen anyway?  I always had so much direction and purpose when I was younger.  I feel like a high school girl that doodles in her notebook and wistfully dreams of being a famous actress.  How did I just turn 30?  Where on earth did my 20s go?  I think of all my friends that are married with kids and have careers that they’ve been in for years, and I just feel like that life is so far away for me.  I realize that in the grand scheme of things, 30 is very young, but it’s too old to still be feeling so lost. 

I’m in such a strange place right now.  I’m starting to see everything here in technicolor.  Everything I do, every insignificant errand I run, every coffee shop I go to, even my daily trips to the convenience store on the corner, I try and take in every second because it may be my last time in that particular place.  I already feel nostalgia setting in, and I haven’t even left yet.  What’s stranger still is that I can so clearly see everything back home.  It feels like I left a few days ago, not 9 months ago.  Events that have occurred since I’ve been in Seoul seem much more distant than life back home. 

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not dreading going home.  I’m dreading the job market, to be sure, but I’m actually kind of over living by myself.  I’m thrilled to death that I feel this way as I’ve always loved being on my own.  I wish Nate and I could just pick up our lives and move them here, but that’s simply not realistic.  It’s getting to a point when all the daily things I love about it here that were so fun and exciting to do solo would be much better with Nate. I also miss certain things about American life, but I learned once before that the things that you miss so much when you’re far away have a bittersweet way of never changing.  I love Korea, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love America.  I just prefer to focus on only the good things here, and every time I feel a twinge of homesickness, I remind myself that it will still be there when I go home and for the rest of my life.   I guess what it comes down to is that I can’t really get excited about anything back home, even if I wanted to, because the overriding thought is that I am going back unemployed.  Every time I start to get excited about something, my panic shuts it down.  Like, yay!  Wedding planning!!  (weddings are expensive….)  Driving!  (gas money…no job)  My favorite American clothing brands!  (no job=no shopping money)  My favorite restaurants!  (eating costs money….)  Happy hours with girlfriends at bars that know how to make martinis (happy hours are for the employed…) You get the idea…

Oh Korea…sarangheyo.  Your fabulousness has spoiled me so…

But I’m not gone yet!  In fact, many exciting things are yet to come.  For starters, my oldest, closest, best best friend in the whole world, Jamey, is coming to visit at the end of December!  My excitement about this exists on several levels.  If you’re unfamiliar, Jamey and I grew up together, 4 houses away, and from 5^th grade through high school, we were practically sisters.  From college on, however, we’ve lived in different states and now different countries as she moved to Ireland when she got married last year.  The point is, we see each other maybe once a year (not including our near weekly skype chats), but every time we do, it’s usually the highlight of my entire year.  So, independent of the whole Korea part, I’m incredibly excited to see her!  It’s going to feel like high school except with bank accounts!  Yay!  On top of that, if I haven’t made it sufficiently clear, I love love love Seoul!  So I am ecstatic that I get to show this amazing place to her.  It’s great timing really, as I don’t do the touristy things here on a regular basis, so it will be great to see all the big sites one last time.  I can say with quite a bit of certainty that the week she is here will be one of the best of my life!  I can’t really even think about her trip because the excitement makes me babble incoherently J  Best friends are the best!

Another very exciting upcoming event is my trip to Japan in January!  As a 29^th birthday-the-sequel present, my mom bought me a plane ticket to Tokyo!  I’m spending 5 days split between Tokyo and Kyoto.  I’m so excited!  A little more than a year ago,  I never thought I’d ever even see Asia, and now I’ve seen Korea, China, and soon Japan!  So cool.  What’s also very exciting about this particular trip is that I’m going alone.  Throughout my life and my constantly growing passion for travel, I’ve always felt that the one thing I should do just once is go on a vacation completely alone.  Call it independent woman complex I guess, but I’ve never traveled by myself, and I think to truly consider yourself a seasoned traveler, you have to vacation on your own at least once.  I have no idea what to expect, but I’m sure whatever happens it will be a trip to remember.  Also, upon my return to Korea, I’m flying back into Busan to spend a weekend there before heading home to Seoul, so it’s like 2 vacations in 1!  Busan, if you’re unfamiliar, is the second largest city in Korea and is at the very southern part of the country.   It’s a seaside town that’s famous for its beaches and seafood.  Granted, the beaches will be observed in a down jacket and boots, but I’m still very excited to see another part of Korea as I’ve thus far never ventured outside of Seoul. 

I guess the best is yet to come in my great Asian adventure.  I have 2 ½ months of uninterrupted time to just be.  I can spend endless days walking, sight-seeing, travelling, and taking in this wondrous city that will all too soon be a very happy memory.  I love you, Seoul.  I miss you already.